


CAKE

by goblin



Category: The Mighty Boosh (TV)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Howard-centric, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-03
Updated: 2013-03-03
Packaged: 2017-12-03 23:38:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/703956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goblin/pseuds/goblin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howard is sent on a quest to catch a mountain goat - and learns to overcome his fear. Featuring a cake of spiritual growth, an industrial/tribal musical number, and a disgruntled lizard.</p>
            </blockquote>





	CAKE

**Author's Note:**

> My friend Penny, an ardent Howard fan, wished for storyline in which he comes out on top for once - so for her birthday in 2004, I wrote this episode, in which Howard is a hero and Vince doesn't do anything much. This is the first time it has reached a wider audience.

IN FRONT OF CURTAIN - INT. - DAY 

HOWARD

Hi, I’m Howard Moon and this here is Vince Noir. He’s not going to be in the show much tonight though, because tonight… tonight is about me. The spotlight’s been on Vince, it’s shone on his sharp biscuity face, and now it’s my turn. This is my show tonight – hey! Come back here! Come back – Vince stop it. Stop luring the camera over there, you video whore.

VINCE

I didn’t mean to, it just floated on over!

HOWARD

Stop it Vince, or I’ll come at you.

VINCE

Really?

HOWARD

I’ll come at you, like smoke from the flame of a candle. “Oooooh, candle smoke,” you’ll say, “ooh comin’ at me in a twist in a black smoke twist, ooh me poor eyes,” that’s what you’ll say.

VINCE

Yeah?

HOWARD

Yeah.

VINCE

Well I’ll be wearin’ sunglasses.

HOWARD

Shut up.  
(to camera)Enjoy the show.

OPENING CREDITS ROLL.  
“Come with us now on a journey through time and space… to the world of the Mighty Boosh…”

WOODLAND MAMMALS SECTION ZOO - EXT. - DAY

VINCE and HOWARD are pruning trees in the Woodland Mammals section. JACK COOPER the fox is lurking sullenly in the corner while several badgers forage unconcernedly.

HOWARD

Caring for animals, Vince – I feel like I’m earning my karma.

VINCE

Karma?

HOWARD

Yeah. I help them, sooner or later, someone will help me.

VINCE

That badger? Wot’s he gonna do?

HOWARD

Not the badger. It’s not direct, Vince. It comes from unexpected places. Trust me on this, I’m a spiritual expert.

VINCE (disbelievingly)

Spiritual expert?

VINCE

Yeah.

VINCE

A spiritual expert? Wot religion is that from then, karma?

HOWARD

The… Eastern… something. Look I’m not the petrol pump of knowledge.

VINCE

And wot’s your karma gonna be for bumming Jack Cooper then?

HOWARD

That’s not how it works. And they were just rumours, there was nothing between Jack and I. Was there, Jack?

JACK

I’m no’ talkin’ ta ye.

VINCE

Wot’s your spiritual journey then? Have you been on a pilgrimage?

HOWARD

No, I don’t need to go on pilgrimages. Everything I need is right… here.

Howard gestures to his chest and closes his eyes, breathing deeply.

VINCE

Is this something to do with that weird thing on your chest? ‘Cos that looks more demonic than anything else.

BOB FOSSIL (over loudspeaker)

Moon, get your ass to my office, and bring those turquoise tassels. No hanging about with the pointy red Scottish man!

JACK

Aye, get oot.

HOWARD

I’m not goin’. I’m not at Fossil’s beck and call. I ain’t the becking type. I’m beck-free.

FOSSIL

Now, Moon! Or I’ll be scraping your insides off the television tomorrow!

HOWARD

Okay, I may be going, but not to beck. Oh no. Howard Moon goes on his own terms.

Howard tries to look dignified as he scuttles off to see Bob.

BOB FOSSIL’S OFFICE - INT. - DAY

FOSSIL

Moon, I’m sending you on an excursion to the mountain.

HOWARD

What mountain?

FOSSIL

That mountain.

Fossil points out the window where there is inexplicably a huge snow-capped mountain.

FOSSIL

We need new animals. I want you to capture me a hard-foot shaggy man.

Howard looks confused.

FOSSIL

You know, the climbing man with sideways eyes who eats washing?

HOWARD

A mountain goat?

FOSSIL

Yeah. I want you to find one of those and bring it back to the zoo.

HOWARD

How?

FOSSIL

With this.

Fossil reaches under his desk and pulls out a large butterfly net.

FOSSIL (demonstrating)

It’s collapsible!

HOWARD

Can I bring Vince?

FOSSIL

No, we need him here right now, he’s the only one who can talk to the scaly man with little legs.

YETI INSERT

ZOO ENVIRONS - EXT. - DAY

HOWARD and VINCE are sitting on some outdoor furniture.

HOWARD

You have to talk to the iguana?

VINCE

Yeah. He’s feelin’ lonely.

HOWARD

Lonely? Imagine how lonely I’m going to be, up on the mountain. 

VINCE

He’s got problems, he needs to talk.

HOWARD

He needs to talk? I need to talk. I don’t see you trying to help me through my problems.

VINCE

I do so.

HOWARD

You don’t.

VINCE

I do! Remember when you were all depressed about Gideon that time in the aviary and you spent five hours expressing your sorrow in the form of poetry? You needed to talk, I listened – it was a two-way exchange.

HOWARD

It wasn’t because you didn’t talk back. You were asleep.

VINCE

I was not!

HOWARD

You were snoring and mumbling about David Bowie.

VINCE

Wow, that was a great dream.

HOWARD

See what I mean? You don’t talk to me. You just… put up with me.

VINCE

Aw, Howard – 

HOWARD

Don’t try to talk me ‘round. I won’t be bought with some cheese puffs and a felt-tipped pen, I’ve got things to do. Places to go. A dangerous animal to capture. I’m Howard Moon. Adventurer – poet – cyclist. I span all the genres.

VINCE

This iguana is really depressed.

HOWARD

I don’t want to know about that. Just remember, while you’re having a miserable time with a melancholy lizard, I’ll be out there walking, journeying, in the open air, living the life of the maverick. Okay? Okay.

YETI INSERT

MOUNTAINSIDE - EXT. - DAY

Howard is warmly dressed and trudges up the mountain with a knobbly wooden staff in one hand, a butterfly net in the other. Grand heroic music plays.

REPTILE HOUSE - INT. - DAY

Vince is sitting opposite an immobile iguana.

VINCE (Pete Sweet style, sensitively)

Alright?

No response from the lizard.

MOUNTAINSIDE - EXT. - DAY

Howard still trudging. Grand heroic music still playing.

REPTILE HOUSE - INT. - DAY

VINCE

Feelin’ a bit down then, are you?

The iguana looks at him with ineffable sorrow and anger, but says nothing.

MOUNTAINSIDE - EXT. - DAY

Grand heroic music still playing. Howard still trudging.

REPTILE HOUSE - INT. - DAY

VINCE

Anythin’ I can do to help?

Silence.

VINCE

No?

This is one seriously unhappy lizard.

MOUNTAINSIDE - EXT. - DAY

Finally, Howard arrives at the top of the mountain, where a mountain goat is sitting cross-legged – imagine that – with closed eyes. It wears a large key on a necklace. 

Its eyes open to reveal huge yellow scary sideways-pupilled eyes – Howard is transfixed. He staggers and falls to his knees.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

What brings you so far up the mountain, child?

The Mountain Goat is played by Rich Fulcher.

HOWARD (cowering)

I was – sent…

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Sent for a specific task were you, or merely to wander until you decide to return?

HOWARD

Sent to find – a mountain goat!

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Goat of the mountain am I. Successful is your mission.

HOWARD

Er… you don’t feel like going for a bit of a stroll, do you?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Stroll I do not. Instead I sit, until the crossing of time to me brings wisdom.

HOWARD

How long have you been here?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Forty-five million years. Join me, child. To sit and contemplate is to develop your spirit fire.

HOWARD

My spirit fire is crackling along just fine, thanks.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Merely an ember I see. Do you not find yourself strangely subservient when such intentions you have not? Are you not ordered around by your betters, and even by those who are not your betters? Guilt and fear sit in your heart’s chamber, my child. Unworthy you feel. And so long as unworthy you feel, unworthy you shall be.

HOWARD

So how am I supposed to fix that, eh? It’s not like we can just bake a cake and call me jolly.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Oh but we can. It is known as… Confidence Cake.

Howard looks unimpressed.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Look not so disparaging, child, for this is a cake that mortals fear. A cake that truly tests the character of he who dares attempt its mysterious mixture. You do not make the cake. The cake… makes you.

YETI INSERT

FOREST - EXT. - DAY

MOUNTAIN GOAT  
The first step in the journey of the cake is learning to recognise what should be seen. Look around you, child. In the forest, you are looking for pinecones. In yourself, you are looking for fear.

HOWARD

I don’t understand – 

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Look for pinecones to put in the cake, child. And as you do, tell me what you fear.

HOWARD

I’m not afraid. I’m not afraid of anything. I’m Monsoon Moon, I rain down the pain, nothing scares me. Not Bob Fossil, not Dixon Bainbridge, not… Charlie… I don’t see any pinecones.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Look you do, but see you do not. I asked you to tell me what you fear, not what you do not fear.

HOWARD

Well that’s impossible. Because I’m never, ever afrai – AARGH!

Howard jumps about a foot when a twig snaps. He reels around – and it’s just a squirrel. He breathes a sign of relief.

HOWARD

Okay, maybe I’m a little jumpy. But that’s no problem. I’m rough and ready. I’m like a hot iron, waiting to steam the creases from anyone come comes near.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Who is… Charlie?

Howard gravely, slowly sits down by the goat. He takes a deep breath.

HOWARD

Have you ever seen… bubblegum?

REPTILE HOUSE - INT. - DAY

VINCE

Tony said to me you’d been having trouble adjusting.

IGUANA  
Tony is full of sheet.

The iguana appears to be French.

YETI INSERT

FOREST - EXT. - DAY

Howard is crying on the Mountain Goat’s shoulder.

HOWARD

I couldn’t control what I was doing, it was horrible.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

My child - afraid you were.

HOWARD

I know, I know it’s stupid a grown man like me. But it was terrible, I couldn’t help it – 

MOUNTAIN GOAT

I will not say to you “fear not”. For fears must be experienced before they are vanquished. Now that you have seen this – Hubba Bubba nightmare – would you be quite as afraid if you saw it again?

HOWARD

Well… not quite.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Ah. A lessening of fear already has occurred.

HOWARD

But I’d still be bloody terrified.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Can you see any pinecones?

HOWARD

Well there’s some right there. Oh my god! I’ve found the pinecones!

Howard scoops up the pinecones and waves them triumphantly.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Very good. Very good. The first fear lessened, the first ingredient found. Now we have pinecones, we must look for custard.

HOWARD

Custard? Where are we going to find custard?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

What else are you afraid of?

Howard looks very, very alarmed.

REPTILE HOUSE - INT. - DAY

Vince has connected up a small television, and is now watching a French film with the iguana. They seem companionable.

YETI INSERT

FOREST - EXT. - DAY

Howard is now dirty and much of his clothing is torn. He is holding a bowl of custard and has several splotches of the stuff on his person.

HOWARD

Now what?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Now it is time to combine the ingredients and face your fears. We must go to… The Processor.

HOWARD

Pro… cessor?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Come down this ladder.

Howard follows the Mountain Goat down the ladder and through a trapdoor in the forest floor, trying not to drop pinecones and bowls of custard.

PROCESSOR ROOM - INT. - DAY

It is very dark down the trapdoor. Machine noise is audible. A lantern bursts alight in the Mountain Goat’s hand, and suddenly all is revealed.

There is a huge space full of machinery, mixing, clamping, chopping, mincing, clashing, a constantly moving mass of shiny cogs and wheels. There are many tired, bedraggled looking people doing the obviously difficult physical work of manning the machines. Most appear to be hippies and/or religious types.

HOWARD

What is all of this?

MOUNTAIN GOAT

It is… The Processor.

The clangs, bangs and crashes suddenly coalesce into a rhythm. It’s a sort of industrial/tribal music – slightly reminiscent of David Bowie’s “African Night Flight”.

SONG: “PROCESSOR”

SLAVES (singing)

Pro-cess-or!  
Pro-cess-or!

BANG CLANG CRASH BASH  
BANG CLANG CRASH BASH

MOUNTAIN GOAT (singing)

Big machine with tiny parts  
Many working slaves who’ve got no smarts

SLAVES (singing)

Pro-cess-or!  
Pro-cess-or!

MOUNTAIN GOAT (singing)

Shiny chopping mincing crashing  
Beautiful mixing slicing bashing  
Make the Cake of Confidence  
Look the door, put up the fence

BANG CLANG CRASH BASH  
BANG CLANG CRASH BASH

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Come on! In with the pinecones! In with the custard!

Howard seems petrified, so the Mountain Goat pushes him, causing him to let go of the pinecones and custard. They are instantly pulverised in the giant mixing machine. Howard is terrified – he barely escaped falling in himself.

SLAVES (singing)

Pro-cess-or!  
Pro-cess-or!

MOUNTAIN GOAT (singing)

Big machine, it does my work  
Grab a hammer you stupid berk

HOWARD

No! I won’t be a slave – I’m Howard Moon!

He snatches the key from the goat’s neck, uncollapses the butterfly net and throws it over the goat’s head.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Help – no – stuck I am in some sort of – polyester weave – 

Howard rushes around unlocking the slaves, then bolts for it.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

No – my wonderful slaves – don’t take them from me – The Processor needs them! WE HAVE TO MAKE THIS CAKE!!

HOWARD

No. This is one cake you’ll never have the confidence for again.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

What, take me would you to your pathetic zoo? You could never hold me there!

HOWARD (looking the goat in the eye)  


I wouldn’t want you in my zoo.

Howard marches off with the slaves following, nearly broken from their ordeal but showing some signs of exuberance. He leaves the Mountain Goat struggling and cursing in the butterfly net.

BOB FOSSIL’S OFFICE - INT. - DAY

FOSSIL

You’ve got the wrong animal, banana-eyes! I wanted a shaggy hard-foot guy, these are human people!

HOWARD

That’s right Mr Fossil, they’re human. I freed these people from the evil clutches of a mountain goat who turned out to be a very unsavoury character indeed. That goat isn’t coming back here, Mr Fossil.

FOSSIL

But I want a sideways-eyed man!

HOWARD

We don’t want him. He’s all wrong.

FOSSIL

We do! We do want a shaggy man!

HOWARD

There’s fourteen very strong and desperate people here who say we don’t.

The former slaves advance menacingly. Bob shrinks back in his seat.

FOSSIL

Alright, alright! Have it your way. Now go clean the jackal hut, your Scottish man’s missing you.

HOWARD

People…?

The hairy masses start advancing again.

FOSSIL

I mean – how about you have the rest of the afternoon off? I’m sure Vincey can cover for you.

HOWARD

Yes. Yes he can.

Howard walks out of Fossil’s office and into the zoo grounds in slow motion, at the head of a phalanx of dirty, ragged, dangerous people, vibrating with the power of freedom.

CURTAINS CLOSE.

IN FRONT OF CURTAIN - INT. - DAY

HOWARD

Hope you enjoyed the show and found my spiritual journey… inspirational.

VINCE

That wasn’t a spiritual journey, you just cried on some old goat who turned out to be a slave-driver.

HOWARD

No, you see he taught me a little too well. He taught me to overcome my fear – I overcame it. I overcame him. I freed the slaves, Vince. I did pretty well for myself I think you’ll agree.

Howard eyes the audience and straightens his jacket.

VINCE

Yeah well whatever.

Vince mooches off sulkily.

HOWARD (calls after him)  


You’re just angry ‘cos you didn’t get to do anything this week. Not the star this time, eh?

Howard turns back to the audience.

HOWARD

Thanks very much.

CREDITS

While credits roll, the Mountain Goat is seen still trapped in the butterfly net.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

Let me out! The Confidence Cake was almost complete! Escape I shall! Just watch me!

The goat continues to struggle.

MOUNTAIN GOAT

I’ll be out any moment! Any moment now! Just you wait! Oh, I’ll get you Howard Moon! I will get out! I will – 

END


End file.
